an hour and a half

i leave soon. REALLY soon.

it's kind of scary, really, how fast this semester has gone by. i still remember sitting in my room blogging about how i was leaving in 2 days and wasn't packed. how did time go by so quickly?

so many changes, so many friends, so many memories. if i were asked to explain what i've learned, i wouldn't even know where to begin. i feel like i've gained so much confidence this semester. i have long dreamed of being a woman, and as frightening as it sounds, i think i am getting there. many of my friends here might not know it, but they don't know who i was before. to be honest, i'm not sure i do, either.

i hope i have learned to stand strong, but not alone. i hope i have learned to search for truth, and not simply swallow what is fed to me. i hope i have learned how to build friendships. i hope i have learned how to trust, and heal, and hope. so many fears have been realized, so many anxieties uncovered, but somehow i have managed to pull through this far.

an hour and a half. well, a little less than that now. i hope i will spend it well.

i hope i will spend life well.

poem

this is a poem i wrote about a time a couple years ago when i was dealing with depression and anxiety. i was thinking back to that time a few weeks ago, and i wrote this poem sort of as a reminder of how far i've come, and what changes have been worked in me since then. i don't usually write poetry, but i thought i'd share it anyway. its called trapped.

Trapped

Did I hear it?
Did I see it?
I don’t know.
I’m not sure.
Let me check again.
Again.
Again.

So simple,
Would it matter?
One small mistake?
But in my mind,
It is not so small.

When the world is,
So limited:
Only what we hear,
Only what we see,
Only what we feel,
Do we know?
Can we?

Unimportant,
But all-consuming.
I must not be seen,
To be human.

Perfection.
Unattainable?
I think not!
But do I know?
Can I?

Careful,
Not to trust.
I’ll seem foolish,
If they fail,
If I fail.
I fail.
I fail.

Trapped on earth,
Wanting something,
Wanting truth.
But I can’t find it.
I can’t hear it.
I can’t see it.

Someday,
Maybe,
I’ll be human,
And they won’t care.
I won’t care.
They don’t care.

Until then,
Perfection,
On the outside.

Or if I can’t,
Be perfect,
I’ll be nothing.
Quiet.
Blank.

But inside,
Always,
I fail.
I fail.
I fail.

Holocaust Memorial Day

the streets are almost empty, but all who are out have stopped and stand still. the cars have pulled over to the side of the road and sit, lined up, waiting, listening to the siren. A steady, eerie sound that reaches the whole city.

today is holocaust memorial day. in israel, it is call the day of shoah, a word representative of the holocaust, and courage. it is a day where this nation stops and remembers the 6 million of their not-so-distant relatives who died, and those who, by the grace of God, did not.

two minutes. two minutes of stillness, two minutes of silence, except for the shrill call of the siren. that's not much time to remember.